I’m Free from PPD
Let me start off by saying a few things.
First, thank God, I am free from my postpartum depression!
Second, this post is actually quite hard for me to write. I’ve been putting it off a bit and quite frankly, have just not wanted to think about what I went through.
Remembering the Storm
Nevertheless thinking back, my postpartum depression lasted almost 9 months.
The absolute hardest 9 months of my life.
I was on and off multiple prescriptions, cried almost every single day, and checked into a rehab facility basically because I had gotten to my wits end about not being able to be fixed. But that time finally came.
With the help of a very insightful psychiatrist, I was prescribed an ADHD medication called Vyvanse. I had mentioned to her that I was so tired in the day that I could barely keep my eyes open. The more energy I spent the quicker my depression came on.
I had to use every ounce of my energy taking care of my beautiful baby girl and could not exert myself doing anything else. She put me on this medication to help my energy and the first day I took it, gone.
There was a bit more that went into it, but week after week there was continued success. The first success I ever felt. I didn’t know it would ever be possible.
Finally, the tears went away and so much joy filled its place.
After the Storm
There were certainly battle scars, where I was hesitant to exert myself and get my life back to a normal way of life. But as time continued to pass that time of depression began to be a thing of the past.
My husband was there for me every day and sometimes I believe it was even harder on him than it was on me. He had to be my strength.
And he was strong for me every day. I couldn’t have made it through without him.
It’s been a year since my depression left, and I thank God for every day.
There are unfortunately pieces that still haunt me. When I look back at the many photos of my baby girl, sometimes it brings back the memories of all I went through and I just remember those days and weeks and never-ending moments of pain, instead of looking back and remembering all of her incredible moments.
I try so hard just to focus on her and remember the beautiful moments as I watched her grow. I didn’t get to have the life of joy that comes with raising your little baby. That’s what hurts me the most.
But I want to emphasize, this is a story of success.
This is a triumph and an overcoming of darkness. My story exists to give hope and encouragement to other women just like me. Many women who are currently in the storm.
Honestly, the reason it has been so hard for me to think back on this time before writing this post is because my life is so fantastic now. Of course, not everything is perfect, life never is, but I am at a place where I have never been happier.
I’ve Discovered a New Love
The love I have for my daughter is unlike anything I could ever describe. I always say this love is like I’ve discovered a new color that’s never existed.
When she looks at me and calls me Mama, my life is perfectly complete in that moment. Everything she does fills my heart with joy.
Even in the toughest moments of raising a child, every bit of it I love. I love her smiles, her running, her singing. I love the moments of calm and the opportunities to teach. I truly love every moment with my little girl.
I know going through this postpartum depression is a part of my story. I know there is and will be many reasons why I went through this. I pray that I can help others and become a better version of myself as a result of it.
I am grateful to have fought this fight and won.
And I am grateful for the gift of my incredible little girl that was worth it all.