Mom Guilt

Written and Fact-Checked by: Jenna Carberg

What Is Mom Guilt?

Mom guilt is the persistent feeling that you are not doing enough, or not doing it right, as a mother. It shows up over feeding choices, going back to work, screen time, losing your temper, needing a break, or simply not enjoying every moment.

It is common. In a survey of parents in Victoria, Australia, about 1 in 5 mothers said they struggled with guilt or shame about their parenting, twice the rate of fathers, and many more had mixed feelings. There is no reliable U.S. figure, but the pressures behind it are familiar here.

Some guilt can be useful: it can nudge you to repair after a hard moment. But mom guilt often goes further, and research suggests it matters for mental health.

Guilt vs. Shame: Why the Difference Matters

  • Guilt is about something you did: “I yelled, and I feel bad about it.”
  • Shame is about who you are: “I yelled, so I’m a bad mother.”

That difference is important:

  • A systematic review found that shame predicted postnatal depression. Guilt was linked too, but much less once shame was taken into account.
  • In a study of 876 mothers, both guilt and shame predicted anxiety and depression.
  • Shame tends to keep mothers quiet. In interviews with new mothers, fear of judgment stopped them from telling anyone they were struggling, which deepened the shame.

If your guilt has turned into a belief that you are a bad mother, that is worth paying attention to.

Where Mom Guilt Comes From

Impossible Standards

Researchers link mom guilt to the gap between the mother you are and the mother you believe you should be. Every new mother in one UK interview study held unrealistic ideals of motherhood. “Intensive mothering” beliefs, such as the idea that mothers must be endlessly self-sacrificing and child-centered, are linked with more guilt, stress and depression. In a U.S. study, mothers who strongly held all of these beliefs had the highest guilt, while those who held only some had less burnout.

Comparison and Social Media

  • In a survey of 721 U.S. mothers, comparing yourself to others on social media was linked to more depression, feeling overloaded and feeling less competent as a parent.
  • Comparison to other mothers and to media images of motherhood fed guilt and shame in interviews.
  • Criticism and shaming from family members were linked to more parental burnout.

These studies show links, not proof that social media causes guilt. Mothers who are already struggling may also compare more.

Feeding Choices

A review of 20 studies found mothers who formula fed reported guilt more often than those who breastfed, and guilt and shame were tied to seeing oneself as a bad mother. In another study, pressure to breastfeed and poor professional support affected mental health through increased guilt and shame. Feeding your baby is not a test of your worth.

Working Mom Guilt: What the Research Shows

Many mothers worry that going back to work harms their children. Here is what decades of research found:

  • A meta-analysis of 69 studies over 5 decades found that mothers working when children were young was not associated with later achievement or behavior problems overall. Where teachers rated children, employment was linked with slightly higher achievement.
  • Working was most beneficial for families facing single parenthood or low income.
  • A companion analysis of 68 studies found no overall difference in children’s achievement.
  • The honest caveat: some analyses found small negative associations with full-time work in the child’s first year, in middle-class and two-parent families. Part-time work showed small advantages over full-time. The authors saw this as a reason to support family leave policies.

The authors wrote that the small and mostly nonsignificant results should ease concerns about mothers working when children are young.

Staying home is not guilt-free either. A large Gallup survey found stay-at-home mothers were more likely to report having been diagnosed with depression, though income and whether staying home was a choice may explain that. See mom burnout.

When Mom Guilt May Be Postpartum Depression

Feelings of guilt, worthlessness or helplessness are a symptom of postpartum depression. No test separates “normal” mom guilt from guilt caused by depression, but these signs suggest it is time to get checked:

  • You have felt sad, anxious or empty most of the day, nearly every day, for 2 weeks or more
  • The guilt has become shame: a belief that you are a bad mother or that your baby would be better off without you
  • You have constant doubts about your ability to care for your baby
  • You have lost interest in things, feel hopeless, or can’t sleep or eat normally
  • You have any thoughts of harming yourself

Postpartum depression symptoms affect about 1 in 8 mothers, and they generally do not get better without treatment. The Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale or PHQ-9 takes a few minutes. Guilt about anger can also be a sign of postpartum rage.

If you have thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988.

How to Deal With Mom Guilt

No clinical trial has tested a treatment specifically for mom guilt, but research on related programs points in a helpful direction.

  • Self-compassion: in a trial of self-critical parents, a single 2-hour compassion-focused therapy session reduced self-criticism, and their children’s emotional problems also eased. Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend who made the same mistake.
  • Separate guilt from shame: ask whether you did something to repair, or whether you are judging your whole self. Repair the action and let go of the verdict.
  • Choose your standards: mothers who embraced only some intensive-mothering ideals, rather than all of them, had less burnout.
  • Curate what you see: mute or unfollow accounts that leave you feeling inadequate.
  • Tell someone: shame grows in silence. Talking with a partner, friend or other parents breaks the cycle.
  • Get support: compassion-focused therapy has helped mothers with postpartum depression feel better about themselves and ruminate less.

Find a therapist who works with mothers

You can call or text the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline at 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262), free and available 24 hours a day.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is mom guilt normal?

It is very common. About 1 in 5 mothers in one large survey said they struggle with guilt or shame about their parenting.

Is mom guilt a sign of postpartum depression?

It can be. Guilt is a symptom of postpartum depression when it comes with low mood lasting 2 weeks or more, or with other symptoms. Guilt alone is not a diagnosis.

Does working harm my child?

Meta-analyses of nearly 70 studies found mothers working when children are young was generally not linked to worse achievement or behavior, with some small caveats for full-time work in the first year.

What is the difference between guilt and shame?

Guilt is about what you did; shame is about who you think you are. Shame is more closely tied to postnatal depression.

How do I stop feeling mom guilt?

Practice self-compassion, question unrealistic standards, limit comparison and talk to someone. If guilt is constant or comes with low mood, get screened for depression.

PostpartumDepression.org Team
Written by:

Jenna Carberg was diagnosed with postpartum depression following the birth of her daughter in 2016. It was a healthy birth but in the following days, Jenna's mood changed quickly. Doctors suggested that it might be the "baby blues", but her husband Chris suggested she seek a second opinion. Jenna was diagnosed with postpartum depression and began a journey that lasted 9 long months with significant ups and downs. Jenna's mental health care and her experiences became a passion for her to share with the world. She and her husband Chris founded PostpartumDepression.org as a support website designed to help women suffering in silence and their loved ones.

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